I flipped through all the channels of the best cable package I could afford on my television for the 13^th or so time. Exasperated and unfulfilled, I traveled deep into the heart of the Himalayan Mountains to find a sage who might unravel for me the great mysteries of life or something profound of like nature. As fortune would have it, I stumbled upon a quaint cave that had a monk inside bravely forging his path toward enlightenment in between watching whatever shows he could catch with his rabbit eared black and white television.

I asked him "Why are we here and why do we die?"

"Shhhhh!" he said in perfect Queen's English, "Bob Saget is about to introduce the next clip!" After the young child had cleaved a path through his father's legs with a wiffle bat, a commercial came on plugging the next show about the need of sheep for authentic shepherds.

"So why are we here and why must we all die?"

"Why aren't we here and why uhhhhh…..uhhh… did my remote batteries die?" said the sage with folded arms and a wry smile riding upon his face like a stuck up prodigy after he had called check mate in a game of chess to his blue collar dad, whose hatred for his dead-end job is only rivaled by his hatred for his son.

"What? That doesn't make any sense?

"What makes sense?"

"What!??"

"Whatever. Do you have any batteries?

"Yeah, actually I do. I seem to have left my remote to my TV in my jacket's pocket…"

"Awesome! Give 'em here, man!"

So for the remainder of my days, I watched TV and meditated on koans (the monk liked Rinzai Zen Buddhism over Tibetan because he said the latter was too trendy and the former had a rich heritage of zen masters popping young monks on the head for incorrectly answering koan riddles) with my beloved master, Saul with the glass third eye. I never reached enlightenment or really got any major questions answered, but I didn't care.  For answers to deep philosophical and theological questions melt in the cold of the mystical Himalayan mountains and all that is left is the roar of static drenched laughter from America Funniest Home Videos' studio audience reverberating off the cave walls. Namo Amitabha Bob Saget!